Extraordinary Machine

2010-06-06T17:41:00.001-07:00

Moved to tumblr a while ago. You can probably figure out the link yourselves.

2010-04-29T00:40:00.000-07:00

Keep your mouth shut, Doris. The week is almost over. Just shut up and keep living.

You tell me

2010-04-27T00:18:00.001-07:00

Is this worth it?

2010-04-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

I do believe that while on earth, we can catch glimpses of God and the Kingdom of Heaven. That’s how we continue to believe in what we believe: by seeing momentary proofs of Eternal Life.

Last night, I believe I caught a glimpse of the opposite: for a few hours, I was in Hell. To be in Hell on Earth, without any figures of speech.

To be wailing, twisting, moaning, sobbing, crying for hours. To not be able to distinguish nightmares from reality. To see the person you love in front of you, but to be the one who pushes that person away. To lose all hope, to lose all trust, to lose all faith. To feel as if your body had been turned inside out, and then to have it punched, kicked, slapped, pummeled, spit on, laughed at, humiliated, and then to flip it back to its original form—that’s how my insides felt. To look to the future and only see flames, only see darkness, only see hopelessness. To live and breathe paranoia. To have no peace. To have no love. To have lost faith in love itself.

I do not necessarily believe that I was possessed last night. But looking back, I do not believe that was me. I have had my moments of despair and sadness in the past, but I’ve still been able to look back and know that I was still being myself in those trials. But last night, this morning.. I do not know who I was. It scares me, but to know that I got through it, to know that my loved ones did not abandon me, that God did not abandon me, gives me strength and courage.

I’m sorry for hurting you. But I know you do not want me to dwell in my guilt and sorrow. I will grow from this, learn from this, and fight my demons with all my might to never go back to that place again. I love you. I cannot say that I am 100% completely fine right now, but I will continue to try.

*

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. - Josephine Hart

2010-04-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."" - Mary Anne Radmacher

2010-04-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.” - Victor Hugo

2010-03-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

I pulled the covers over my head when I heard footsteps enter the room. I tried to wipe away the tears on my face, but my fingers seemed to only form more wet streaks on my cheeks. I quickly pulled my hand under the covers, too— my hand that was clenching my cell phone.

It was my mother’s cell phone, which she had lent to me since I had broken my original phone. I had been going through the few pictures taken on the phone, and saw that my mother had taken two pictures of herself. Two pictures in the two years she has had this phone. She looked young smiling in the pictures, but she still had the same broken smile that she carries today. The timidness of her shattered self confidence. These pictures were taken in secrecy, in solitude, because she is terrified of the world that beat and destroyed her. I know she would feel ashamed if she realized that I had seen these pictures of her daring to try and look beautiful for herself.

I cried because the second I saw those low-grade cell phone photos, I was struck with the pain that I’m always turning a blind eye towards. I saw the broken woman that I purposely ignore for my own selfish protection. I saw my mom, Mama, the same Mama who has had a life capable of making you doubt God’s existence. The same Mama that I get annoyed at, snap at, talk back at, turn my back at so that I won’t have to cry for her. The same Mama who told me last week that my dad has taken away all of her confidence and that she is ashamed to meet new people as a single mother.. the same Mama that I chose to respond with one word and then purposely focus all of my attention on the current TV show. The same Mama who I purposely don’t write about, I would rather write about anyone else, because I know that no one else will rip my heart open and make me cry with every word that I write.

I cried because I don’t love my mom enough because it hurts too much. I cried because my mom loves me more than life itself and depends on me to continue living, but I can’t handle the responsibility. I cried because I love her, and it hurts to love someone who hurts as much as her.

I turned around underneath the blankets and tried to stifle a sniffle. I heard the footsteps suddenly approach me, and then felt the familiar resting of his head on my shoulder. Are you crying?

Carrots

2010-03-10T23:59:00.000-08:00

Sitting in Eric's bed, my lap covered in his blankets, munching on cold baby carrot sticks that Jason brought, my shoulders and head hunched because it's the bottom bunk. Jason sitting on the floor eating carrots, Eric at his desk listening to my kind of music reaching for carrots, Craig reading off random facts from his desk. Happy times, simple times, live the times.

:)

Thanks, Christina

2010-03-04T20:34:00.001-08:00

February 25, 2am

2010-03-01T19:31:00.000-08:00

I was writing my Spoken Word piece for the next day's Talent Show for Homecoming Week. It was 2am, Eric and Craig were asleep in their bunkbends behind me, the fan was softly wiring away (the twins can't sleep without background noise), and Eric's small lamp was emitting its soft, yellow glow. In the quiet of their small and messy room, I was putting forth all of my energy, passion, chaos, anger, love, and hope into words, rhymes, letters. In that bedroom, I was contributing to the revolution against racism and hate crimes.

After finishing, I went to email myself my Spoken Word piece when the subject line with the word "Columbia" caught my eye in my inbox. It was already read, because that morning during my opening shift at 8am, I had already opened up that email. It seemed to be like another email from Teacher's College reminding me to apply for scholarships just in case I get in. In this email, there was nothing else that appeared to be special other than a notification that my username code had been changed for my account. I had to have an account to apply, you see. But nothing special. They changed my username code. That's all. It wasn't an email saying whether or not I had gotten in. No biggie. More waiting.

But for some reason, I decided at 2am, hey, what the hell, I'll try logging in with this new username and see if that does anything. So I did. I logged in, and was greeted with the same exact page that I'm always greeted with. Or so I thought. Before clicking to exit the page in disappointment, I read a sentence located insignificantly at the bottom of the page: "Your application decision is now available online."

My heart skipped a beat. Not exactly out of excitement that OH MY GOSH, I'm going to find out if I get in or not RIGHT NOW. Instead, it was more... damn, there goes my night. Sigh, the hope of getting into Columbia was fun while it lasted, but now it's time to read my rejection letter.

I clicked on the link, and the first sentence hit me:

I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to Teachers College, Columbia University for the 2010 Fall Term.

I stopped breathing. The room crashed to the side. All sound disappeared into a vacuum. I lost all feeling in my body. My brain swirled at 100mph in my skull. Breath came back to me, but broken, choked. I read the sentence again. And again. And again. No. This can't be happening. This is not real. I can't get into Columbia. I'm a UC Irvine is the best I'll ever get to kind of girl. I'm dreaming. I turned around and saw Eric asleep with the T-shirt over his eyes (he can't sleep with light on). I turn back to the computer. Should I tell Eric? No. I need to make sure that this really is an acceptance letter. To Columbia. That I really got in. I don't want to embarrass myself and tell him that I got in when I had really stupidly made a mistake in reading this rejection letter.

I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted--

I started crying. Not because of happiness, because there was still too much going on for real emotions to set in. I cried the same way I'd cry when a ball hits me in the face: I'm not crying out of pain or anger or anything, the tears are just uncontrollably coming out due to the shock of the ball hitting me in the face. So there I was, crying. Crying because that sentence hit me in the face harder than any ball has in my life.

Finally I go and shake Eric awake. The first time I've ever said those words in my life: Eric, I got into Columbia. He was awake in a second. I hear Craig wake up above us and groggily ask, "Doris, are you okay?" Craig, I got into Columbia. "Wow, congratulations!" and he falls back asleep. I grab my phone and run out into the living room. It's 2am, but I'm going to wake my mom up if it's the last thing I do. She picks up the phone in the same confused, groggy manner. Mama, I got into Columbia! She then sounded like it was 10am in the morning. I was shaking and stammering and quickly ended the conversation, to which I will later find out my mom would spend the rest of the night calling all of my relatives in China telling them that I had gotten into "Ge Da," Chinese for Columbia. As soon as I hung up with my mom, the same thought hit me: Wait, what if I didn't get in. What if I read the email wrong. What if I just made my mom the happiest woman in the world about something that wasn't true. I run back into Eric's room and reread the sentence.

I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted--

Okay. I think I'm right. I think I did get in. I run back out and call Sarah. I tell her in the same shaking, quivering voice: Sarah, I got into Columbia. Excitement, squealing, and unconditional love from her. But as soon as I hear her excitement, the same exact thought hit me: oh crap. What if I really didn't get in? I quickly end the conversation and run back into the room.

I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted--

Okay. I run back out and call Christina Ho. Goes straight to voicemail. I'll text her. I'll text Ron, too. I'll text Xtina, Jamie, Julie, Ainsley. I'm still shaking, breathing hard, smiling, somewhat crying, in a crazed delusion. The feeling of pure excitement, happiness, joy, thankfulness are all setting in. I'm whispering Thank you, God over and over again. But after all the texts, AGAIN: maybe I should double check that letter one more time.

I run back into the room and this time Eric had gotten out of bed and was reading my acceptance letter. A part of me was suddenly struck with terror: what if Eric reads it and turns to me and tells me "Doris, you didn't get in. You read it wrong." I timidly ask, Eric, I got in, right? He turns to me with a smile and says, "Yeah, you did." He hugs and kisses me. Okay, finally, I believe it 100%. I'm not crazy. I'm not reading it wrong.

He then turns to the address written at the bottom of the acceptance letter.

525 West 120th New York, NY 10027

He then goes to googlemaps and enters the address. Clicks on Street View. There it was. Teachers College, Columbia University. He turns to me and his big, proud, green-brown eyes tell me This is where you're going! Then it wasn't just happiness and excitement anymore. Suddenly, I was scared. This is it. You have been accepted to the Master of Arts degree program in the Department of Arts and Humanities with a specialization in Teaching of English - Initial Certification. Wow, am I finally going down this path of teaching? Before I got the acceptance, I would kind of have fun thinking about what would happen if I didn't get into graduate school. Maybe I could have gotten a job at a law firm, or something that has to do with politics and lobbying, or just taught English in Japan for a few years. But now-- I did get into graduate school. I got into Columbia.

And I looked at Eric. Suddenly, it wasn't the same old room that I basically have been living in for the past 4 months. Eric sitting in his chair, the yellow glow of the room, the clothes lying in piles on the floor. Suddenly, it felt like it was disappearing. Finally, the realization that everything is going to change was settling in.

Before I knew it, I had finally emailed myself the Spoken Word piece. Eric and I talked more about the racism issues in UCSD and about the brand new report of a noose found in the library. We kissed goodnight, we turned off the light, and I was snuggled in bed with Eric. I couldn't sleep, though. And I knew in the dark that Eric was awake, too.

Happyness

2010-02-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I embrace the doubt I have of getting into graduate school and start to dream about the other possibilities. I imagine applying for jobs in San Fransisco or Washington DC. I dream of applying for JET or any teaching abroad program in Japan, China, and Korea. I envision myself in a completely new environment next year, with new adventures, experiences, and growth. All of my fantasies have to do with me being in a city, being surrounded by diversity, challenging myself each day with something new. Some days I want to throw away my hope of getting a masters for something completely new.

Once Sarah asked me what I want for my future, and I baffled her by not having a single concrete thing to say other than, "I want to be happy." I guess despite taking steps toward the material, I am still swimming toward an ephemeral goal.

RT

2010-02-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

Last night's twitter:

Lollicup runs, talks about God, and dances in the living room. Eric, Craig, and Jason, thanks for a great average Wednesday night :)

Mmmm

2010-02-16T10:48:00.000-08:00

Jazz Kitchen at Downtown Disney. Fireworks. Chinese New Year's Eve dinner with the family and Eric. Up. Crosby & Proof Bar. LA's Museum of Contemporary Art. Driving through Historic Downtown Los Angeles. Udon at Little Tokyo. Riding the bus. Very good nap. The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Breakfast burritos by Ainsley and Craig. Family time. Dinner at the Sclothan's. And all of the words and laughter and embraces and love filling the spaces in between.

It has been a good three days. <3

m i d IN d l e

2010-02-11T00:20:00.001-08:00

M I D D L E

of Fall and Spring Quarter

M I D D L E

of turning in grad school apps and hearing back

M I D D L E

of interviews, interviews, interviews, with no final vision in sight

M I D D L E

of a blooming relationship

M I D D L E

of appreciating past experiences and wanting to move on already

M I D D L E

of the storm, the beginning of the end, the end of the beginning, Malcolm, Jimmy, etc.

M I D D L E

of nothing, nowhere, limbo

M I D D L E

of dreaming of a future and fearing of no future

M I D D L E

of the night, at this moment, with no paper written yet.

m i d IN d l e

Anaïs Nin

2010-02-09T09:04:00.001-08:00

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

Risk

2010-02-04T08:45:00.001-08:00

“I’m going to tell you something really subverse. Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, and risking everything for. And if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.” - Erica Jong

Nietzsche.

2010-01-26T16:47:00.001-08:00

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

5 more months

2010-01-26T09:07:00.000-08:00

Every time I think about past summers and this coming summer and the heat and the blazing sun and the bright blue clear skies and the freedom and the people and the spirit and the energy and the laughter and the tears and the positivity and the (sp)love and Vegas I GET SO HAPPY AND EXCITED AND HYPER AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND CHEER AND JUMP AND AHHH!!!!!!!

Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait.

Haiku.

2010-01-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

"You’re patient with me
when my mind runs away and
all focus is lost."

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Agreed.

2010-01-23T20:18:00.001-08:00

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” - C.S. Lewis

Purple

2010-01-23T20:15:00.000-08:00

“I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it…. People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.” - Alice Walker, The Color Purple

Boys & Girls

2010-01-18T23:05:00.000-08:00

When I take study breaks with my best friend Sarah Bana, we tend to have extreme, reflective, serious, life-changing, knowledge-dropping conversations.

When I take study breaks at Eric's apartment, we tend to play intense Nerf games that the boys made up, most having to do with killing terrorists and zombies.

As different as they are, both breaks in the midst of reading and studying teach me how to laugh, how to love, and how to live. Many years later, I know I will look back on both fondly. Better yet, many years later, I hope I will be doing the same things with the same people.

Countdown: 22 more weeks

2010-01-17T17:26:00.000-08:00

I think it's all finally starting to hit me. Well, maybe the word "hit" is too strong to describe it.. more like poke. Either way, it's setting in: the realization that this is all going to end soon, and that I have literally no idea what my life will be like in a matter of months.

Will I get into graduate school? Will I stay in Irvine if I don't? Am I suddenly getting scared about only applying to the east coast? Will I lose all my friends if I leave? Will I lose Eric? Will I hate my life if I stayed in Irvine? Will I even be doing anything worthwhile?

Those moments of sudden sadness are coming more frequently, as well. One moment I'm standing in the kitchen of Eric's apartment with Eric, Craig, and Sina, the next moment I realize that although that apartment has literally become more of a home than my own apartment, I might never be there again after the end of this year. One moment I'm exhausted after sitting in front of a computer in Langson for hours writing my statement of purpose for Columbia, the next moment I realize I'm never going to be doing this again after June.

I wonder what I'm going to be like for the rest of this quarter and then my LAST quarter. But I guess I might as well enjoy the ride, anyway.

Heavy

2010-01-15T14:16:00.001-08:00

"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry." — Cat Stevens

PASSION! LOUD NOISES!

2010-01-14T16:18:00.000-08:00

Week 2 isn't even over yet, but a million things are happening at once. I anticipated this kind of madness during Winter Break. Well, not anticipated.. dreaded, more like. My attitude was absolutely horrible, and all I wanted to do was cry as the dreaded Winter Quarter approached. And I'm not going to lie, the first 2-3 days of Week 1 were horrible.. but it was definitely a case of the self-fulfilling prophecy. God, my attitude was horrible. I had no confidence in myself, no belief in the confidence from others, and worst of all, no confidence in God.

Slowly but surely, that has all changed. I've been running around every single day doing stuff for SPOP, Alternative Spring Break, Office of the Student Regent, working at Middle Earth, and HOT starts next week. In addition, I'm now in the midst of many grad school deadlines, as well as the fact that I'm still a student here at UCI. Oh, and I'm a person who HAS to workhardplayharder, so I've also been running around doing that. Packed schedule, day after day.

But honestly, I'm loving it all. Loving it. LOVING IT! The purposes behind everything that I do have become clear again. I've let others in again. I'm GROWING again! The trick is to not see these as mere jobs/obligations, but as blessings. Even my classes. God, I felt like screaming with passion during my women's studies class! EDUCATION! EDUCATION! EDUCATION! It's funny that a class like that suddenly reignited and cemented my goal to get a masters in secondary education, which is definitely a goal that I have been doubting and questioning a lot recently. EDUCATION IS A TREASURE. I WANT TO SHARE IT!

Okay, that's about it. Basically: love life. Live passionately. Grow from every single person, experience, class, laugh, embrace, kiss, prayer, breath, DAY. Grow from every single day. The end.

Love

2010-01-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

“Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.”

-Emily Griffin

Breakthrough breakdowns.

2009-12-27T22:22:00.001-08:00

Breakthrough break downs.
Break through breakdowns.
Breakthroughdowns.

Get it?? haha

2009-12-26T19:14:00.001-08:00

I took this picture when I was grading my students' work back when I worked at an after school program in high school. Ugh, not good times.

I've found warmth

2009-12-26T12:14:00.001-08:00

through stolen kisses and whispers in a frosted car on Christmas night.

L'Automne, Bonsoir.

2009-12-11T00:25:00.000-08:00

I wrote this a few entries back, but honestly, it's horrible how easy it is for a moment of stress, sadness, and weakness to convince your mind that everything in the past, present, and future will forever be in such a state. I'm not undermining the struggles that I've encountered this past Finals Week, because they were definitely real issues that surpass the usual "I'm afraid about my grades" worry (not that I'm discrediting those fears, as well), but now that it's Thursday night, with a few hours left until I'm done with my last Fall Quarter in college, I've realized that this past week has probably been the smoothest and healthiest Finals Week I've ever had in college.

I guess that it's a pretty good representation of my entire fall quarter: it had some of the most serious, heartbreaking, and stressful challenges that I have ever faced in my entire life, but looking back, I've also never experienced such joy, growth, and love before, and I would never trade those moments for anything else in the world.

Even though I'm still in the reading/researching process for my 10pg research paper due tomorrow... Good Night, Fall <3

10 Things I Hate About Finals

2009-12-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

I hate the way you make me tired,
To the point where I don't wash my hair.
I hate the way you leave 3 parking tickets on my car,
And how you take up all the tables so I have to study on the stairs.
I hate your big dumb scantrons and blue books,
And the way you beat up my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you make me stay up all night,
I hate it when your tests ask, "Why?"
I hate it when you make me laugh with friends in Starbucks, EVP&Regents, and Woods Cove,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate the fact that as of next year, you won't be around,
And that this is my last final in the Fall.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

(Okay, maybe just a little.)

White Flag

2009-12-08T02:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, after trying to look on the brighter side of things, I'm going to raise the white flag and say that today was a pretty bad day.

Good night.

Grandpa.

2009-12-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

For once, I.. am at a loss for words. I just

feel.

.
.
.

There are no words.
I am just sad that you are gone.
I am just confused why I am here.
I am just frustrated at myself.
I am just joyful knowing, hoping, believing that you are with our Heavenly Father. And that there is no more suffering. And that you are home.

2009-12-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

I guess everyone needs comforting at times. You can't be strong by yourself all the time. I wish I were, though. I wish I were.

Spwow.

2009-12-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

Believe me, a blog post WILL be coming up shortly about what has just happened. But first, my paper.

It's funny watching student leaders cramming for school.. sorry, gotta take a break from saving the world so that I can write this paper on Italian literature.

Love Among the Ruins

2009-12-03T03:00:00.001-08:00

By Robert Browning.
This will always be one of my favorite poems.

Where the quiet-coloured end of evening smiles
Miles and miles
On the solitary pastures where our sheep
Half-asleep
Tinkle homeward thro' the twilight, stray or stop
As they crop -

Was the site once of a city great and gay,
(So they say)
Of our country's very capital, its prince
Ages since
Held his court in, gathered councils, wielding far
Peace or war.

Now -the country does not even boast a tree,
As you see,
To distinguish slopes of verdure, certain rills
From the hills
Intersect and give a name to, (else they run
Into one)

Where the domed and daring palace shot its spires
Up like fires
O'er the hundred-gated circuit of a wall
Bounding all,
Made of marble, men might march on nor be prest,
Twelve abreast.

And such plenty and perfection, see, of grass
Never was!
Such a carpet as, this summer-time, o'erspreads
And embeds
Every vestige of the city, guessed alone,
Stock or stone -

Where a multitude of men breathed joy and woe
Long ago;
Lust of glory pricked their hearts up, dread of shame
Struck them tame;
And that glory and that shame alike, the gold
Bought and sold.

Now, -the single little turret that remains
On the plains,
By the caper overrooted, by the gourd
Overscored,
While the patching houseleek's head of blossom winks
Through the chinks -

Marks the basement whence a tower in ancient time
Sprang sublime,
And a burning ring, all round, the chariots traced
As they raced,
And the monarch and his minions and his dames
Viewed the games.

And I know, while thus the quiet-coloured eve
Smiles to leave
To their folding, all our many-tinkling fleece
In such peace,
And the slopes and rills in undistinguished grey
Melt away -

That a girl with eager eyes and yellow hair
Waits me there
In the turret whence the charioteers caught soul
For the goal,
When the king looked, where she looks now, breathless, dumb
Till I come.

But he looked upon the city, every side,
Far and wide,
All the mountains topped with temples, all the glades'
Colonnades,
All the causeys, bridges, aqueducts, -and then,
All the men!

When I do come, she will speak not, she will stand,
Either hand
On my shoulder, give her eyes the first embrace
Of my face,
Ere we rush, ere we extinguish sight and speech
Each on each.

In one year they sent a million fighters forth
South and north,
And they built their gods a brazen pillar high
As the sky,
Yet reserved a thousand chariots in full force -
Gold, of course.

Oh, heart! oh, blood that freezes, blood that burns!
Earth's returns
For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!
Shut them in,
With their triumphs and their glories and the rest.
Love is best!

And no, this has nothing to do with my 10pg paper due in a few hours. I just remembered reading this two years ago and decided to reread it. I love poetry, I do. GOD, I love my major.

Silver Lining

2009-12-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

I find myself saying, "Next quarter, I'm going to actually enjoy my senior year. Next quarter, I'm going to have time to relax and not stress out over graduate school anymore. Next quarter, I'm going to actually live out my last year in college." Next quarter, next quarter, next quarter. How do I know I'm not going to be telling myself the same thing next quarter? Am I going to use that excuse to make myself feel better, but continue to let myself be swamped in obligations and work?

And then again, did I really not spend this quarter loving life and living out my senior year? I think as my positivity and attitude start to wind down at the end of the quarter with the approach of multiple papers, finals, and deadlines, I start to let myself be so consumed in them that it's easy to forget all the good that has happened. And then I start to believe that this entire quarter has been nothing but the stress, the worries, and the insecurities that I feel at the present.

It's amazing how the emotions and the passions of the present can overtake you so much that you start to believe that your whole life has been and will be perpetually in that state. It's like those moments when you get caught in the ecstasy of worship in church, or when you're completely enraptured by love during a passionate kiss.

I believe it is a choice. Too often I've found myself being too distraught over obligations and responsibilities that I allow them to wipe out the good times before and to determine what lies ahead. And at the same time, I must be realistic and not strive to allow myself to get too caught up in the good as well that it puts me into a delusion that life will always be just as perfect and ecstatic as those moments. Instead, I must remember the good that has happened, keep the good in mind as I go through the hard times, and bear through it all with a smile and a hope that the good times are still waiting right around the corner.

During my freshman year in college, I wrote facebook notes summarizing my first three quarters during each finals week. I've stopped since then, but I guess it's only appropriate to do the same. What can I say, I'm a sentimental everything-goes-full-circle kind of person.

Although this quarter started out with more aches and tears than I have ever endured, I've learned a life lesson that I find essential to growing up: through the storm of it all, God holds your ship firm and steady, and He will take you to the right and perfect destination for you. All you have to do is let go of the steering wheel and trust. I could list out all the blessings that I've received in these last ten weeks, but at the same time, there is no need-- they are all nestled deep in my heart, and I hope they know that they do reside there. God is good to me, as mysterious as He may be.

Gobble gobble

2009-11-29T10:28:00.001-08:00

Things I got done this Thanksgiving Break:

1. Woke up past noon everyday (except today)
2. Ate Chipotle with Christina Ho
3. Memorized two pages worth of vocab words for my GREs (there are around 20pgs, mind you)
4. Got my boyfriend drunk at a really good Cuban restaurant ;)
5. Finally went back to church. It felt good.
6. Hung out with Andrew and Timmy, even if it were just for an hour
7. Went clubbing with old high school friends. Lesson learned: never again.
8. Family time <3
9. Stopped by Memory Lane again, and only less than two months into the relationship!
10. Paid off the majority of my credit card bill. Phew, feels good.

I think #1 was probably the most valuable "achievement" I've made. These next two weeks will be Hell.. bring it on! (but gently)

Power of the students don't stop.

2009-11-19T19:35:00.001-08:00

I'm obsessed with having memories, moments, and passions documented. As much as I do value pictures, I value words much more. Yet, I hate that daunting task of having to describe passion with words, because what words can truly do justice to that fire that courses through your soul? It's like that quote that I put up in my most recent blog. Love cannot be described; you can only feel it, sense it, live it; you might as well describe it by breathing through a harmonica.

Our fees have increased by 32%. The media portrays us as spoiled and ungrateful. They dare to compare the UC system's new tuition with other private schools like USC, stating that the private universities still cost three times as much. This automatically makes us seem unreasonable and makes the protest at UCLA seem like an overreaction. Just because private schools like USC (schools that have exponentially more benefits than UCs, might I add) cost more doesn't suddenly make the cost of UC reasonable and a bargain for students. There is a reason why the UC system is a public university: UC stands for accessibility and affordability. Having our yearly tuition exceed $10,000 each year means that the UC Regents have stripped the UC system of its values and have left us students who depend on a public university in desperate states. Those who cannot understand or cannot even bring themselves to empathize with the students who already work multiple jobs to barely support themselves through college even before the 32% fee increase have NO RIGHT to say that we are merely angry college students who don't know how to take care of ourselves. People need to get out of the mentality that education is a privilege-- EDUCATION IS A RIGHT, NOT A PRIVILEGE.

And the Blue and Gold Plan that Yudolf is using as a shield, stating that students who cannot afford college and who's parents make under $70,000-- first of all, the Blue and Gold Plan will not start next quarter, which means many students will still have to withdraw for the rest of this school year after the 15% increase this quarter. Secondly, Yudolf wants to raise the money to fund these students through fundraising $1 billion. REALLY? How probable is that? To really fundraise $1 billion? If he fundraise that much money, why didn't he do that already to help the UC without having to raise fees by 32%? And don't even get me started on the plight of the middle class. Don't buy into it, especially with the media always having their video segments ending with Yudolf's excuses. The Regents are suffocating and killing the UC system.

But these are just facts. Being at the protest, actually seeing people's tears, anger, and motivation in my fellow students, in my generation is much harder to put into words, quite impossible to make into a blog entry. To describe that moment when I realized that I was a part of something so much bigger than myself, to write down that moment when chanting "We're fighting for your kids!" at the police officers brought many of us to tears.. those cannot be described.

I'm sorry, this was all very jumbled. The point is that we cannot end here. We will not end here. Join this movement. Be a part of history in the making. Save the UC system. Fight for education. Fight for the people who have worked hard and fought through more adversities than you will ever imagine who are being told that they have to pay more than they can afford. This fee increase was unprecendented. It was decided by the Regents: millionaires who were appointed--NOT elected--, people who have NO kids going to the UC system (besides one), people who DO NOT represent the spirit of the UC system. Only one regent voted NO on the fee increase-- the Student Regent. Do something. You have the power. The students united will never be divided.

"One Holy Night"

2009-11-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

By Sandra Cisneros

Rachel says love is like a big black piano being pushed off the top of a three-story building and you're waiting on the bottom to catch it. But Lourdes says it's not that way at all. It's like a top, like all the colors in the world are spinning so fast they're not colors anymore and all that's left is a white hum.

There was a man, a crazy who lived upstairs from us when we lived on South Loomis. He couldn't talk, just walked around all day with this harmonica in his mouth. Didn't play it. Just sort of breathed through it, all day long, wheezing, in and out, in and out.

This is how it is with me. Love I mean.

Lorenzo de Medici

2009-11-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

"Let he who wants to be happy, be it. For there is no certainty about tomorrow."

Also, Students of Color of Conference was absolutely amazing. Planning to blog about it soon :)

Lady GaGa's tattoo

2009-11-12T19:45:00.001-08:00

"In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?"

Growing Pains

2009-11-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

I don't think the posts that I've been making are accurate reflections of my quarter so far. I do understand the value of seeking this blog as an outlet when I am overwhelmed with stress, especially stress about the future (grad schools, gah!), but I shouldn't turn this place into a punching bag for me to regurgitate venomous, self-pitying words. Basically, I need to remember that this place is also for me to record the good times so that I can have something to reread every once in a while with a smile.

This quarter, despite all this hardships, tears, stress, and challenges, has been an amazing quarter nonetheless. Even though I've been pushed and stretched, not once did I think that this was a bad quarter. I'm just going through one of those uncomfortable, sudden growth periods, "growing pains," I guess, but essentially, I am growing, and that is something that I wouldn't trade for the world. Growth in understanding who I am, growth in strengths, growth in friendships, and growth in love.

One thing I've noticed: at a time when we are called to grow up and turn into adults, we are simultaneously stripped to our core, revealing our frightened inner-childs. But in our child-like state of shivers and whimpers, we find solace and strength in each other, wiping away each other's tears and, with hands interlocked, walking on toward the unknown plan that God has in store for us.

Meh.

2009-11-05T19:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just want to sleep for a long time and wake up to everything perfectly fine and the way it's supposed to be. Sigh. Senior Year, you are quite the challenge.

Julia Alvarez

2009-11-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

"It's like my whole world is coming undone, but when I write, my pencil is a needle and thread, and I'm stitching the scraps back together."

Neg.

2009-11-03T09:34:00.000-08:00

One of those days when all I can think is I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck.

A Word's Worth

2009-10-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

Every time I sit down and cram for a paper or an exam, I'm reminded why I love being an English major. And then I start to question why I spend so much time doing everything else in college but not that which gives me the most passion and teaches me the most about how to live: literature, poems, words.

A wise man told me yesterday that the best way to incorporate positivity into my studies and role as a student is to love what you do. Even though I seem to have outdone myself again in terms of the amount of pages I have not even glanced at before going into a midterm, I'm at least salvaging the little that I have studied by loving what I read and incorporating it into my life.

As an English major, I'll never have an emphasis in creative writing or journalism. I guess it's just not my forte to create beautifully written and/or opinionated pieces. I truly do cherish the ability to read others' works and masterpieces. By seeing the beauty that others have within themselves and the different perspectives of other human beings, I know more about myself, and I've come to learn an aspect of living that only English can teach me: how to love my neighbor as myself. Call it unoriginal or laziness, but each person flourishes and cultivates herself differently. I am an inspired person, and how can I be inspired without the works of others?

"This morning gives us promise of a glorious day."

Midterms

2009-10-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

A poet is "a [wo]man pleased with his own passions and volitions, and who rejoices more than other men in the spirit of life that is in him; delighting to contemplate similar volitions and passions as manifested in the goings-on of the Universe, and habitually impelled to create them where he does not find them.""

He walked in, the usual quick and strong strides, the confidence and power in his back. Even before reaching the front of the class and turning around, he immediately began to speak of Dante, of God touching the intellect, of Logos. His voice was as strong as I remembered, his New York accent as familiar as before. But as soon as he turned, the sight seized my breath and struck my heart. Professor, what happened? Is there something wrong? Why are you still lecturing? Why is everyone still sitting there, twiddling their thumbs, staring into space? Your left eye, your left side of your mouth, you..

Death is not a very real concept to me. I do not know of anyone who was a significant person in my life to have passed away. The aging of someone, the depletion of strength and youth is also unfamiliar. It is no wonder that in my mind, people will always stay the way they are-- we are invincible. To see him like that, to realize his frailty, to feel his mortality.. was painful and frightening. If I could only stop it, if only I could bring him back to how he was two days ago--

God, we are so helpless.

"Professor--"
"Yes, my dear?"
"I.. I hope you have a good rest of the day."

+++

"For all good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings;"

"Oct-28-09
Dear Diary,
I don't know who I am anymore."

It is ironic that although she was the one who wrote it on the mirror, it was those words that were written over my reflection as I stood there in disbelief. Behind this young girl's words stood another girl who has filled those shoes many times in her life. I cannot erase those words for her myself, but I can add my own words of hope, hoping that these hopeful words will bring to her Hope.

"Oct-29-09
Dear Diary,
I need to go back to God."

There is hope. There is Grace. If you want to be used by God, He will use you for good. I'll be praying for you, little Sister. He will be the light that will guide you to the Truth.

PS
Thank you for being the first one to hear my emotional and random thoughts and revelations about life. Thank you for helping me get closer to God for the first time in a year. Thank you for your hugs, kisses, and fooooood. Thank you; you're the best <3

Woman up.

2009-10-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

They say that ignorance is bliss. And boy, is it true. I was happier, calmer, and more at peace just a few weeks ago when I wasn't thinking about my future or researching graduate schools. Now, it seems like the more I know, the more scared I get. Talking to the admissions representative from Columbia at the Graduate School Fair completely distressed and disturbed me. Not because it necessarily scared me off, but because it made me want, desire, crave, yearn for it! With passion and hope comes the potential of a farther fall, a harder impact if Failure does enter the picture. Researching graduate schools lights fires within me, but these fires simultaneously motivate me and frighten me. To have goals and aspirations is a scary thing.

But at the end of the day, I am thankful for them. Going back to how we feel most alive when we are pushed past our comfort zones to a very, very uncomfortable state, I will admit that with each day, with each mini panic attack, I feel more motivated, more alive, and, dare I say, braver. A part of me will always be kid-Doris, refusing to grow up, but there are other parts of me that do need to woman up. Thanks for all the support, friends <3

Alright, Future. I'm scared as hell, but I'm also ready. Let's go.

Big kid.

2009-10-23T01:26:00.000-07:00

I'm quite familiar with the alarming feeling of last-minute deadlines, the heavy pressure of responsibility, and the suffocating grip of stress. But tonight was quite different. Three hours ago, I decided that I want to go to graduate school to get a teaching credential in a Masters Program. In other words, three hours ago, I decided to change paths for my future.

No, I don't think you understand the weight of those words, the fear of that decision, the absolute disarming panic of that choice: to change paths for my future.

Really, when did I grow up? When did the world decide that I am old enough to realize what I want to do with my life? When did the world decide that I am ready to even know what I want? I'm still a little kid, aren't I? I still don't know how to cook on my own. This is my first year legitimately moving out of the house (dorming doesn't count; too spoiled). I still sleep with the lights on when I'm scared, or if none of my roommates are home yet. I'm not a grownup. I'm a big kid, but not a grownup.

But with every struggle comes a lesson. With every moment of apparent darkness comes a revelation of a source of light. I wish I could say that my revelation is that yes, I am 100% sure that I want to be a teacher. Again, I wish I could say that-- but I can't. I don't know if I'm going to wake up the next morning and decide that I suddenly want to change courses again. I don't know if I'm going to be happy with my decision for the rest of my life. However, I realized that there are certain things that I do know: although the world may not necessarily label it as "practical" or "valuable" for our future as grad schools, jobs, and money, friends are the ones who keep me going, laughing, living. A best friend talking me through my near-breakdown, another loved companion giving me rare hugs during my near-hyperventilation, and another one whom I hold especially close to my heart telling me that my friends, my family, he, &God will be with me the whole way through, step by step.

You know the movie James and the Giant Peach? Remember that rhinoceros that appears in a mass of black clouds and lightning, the same one that gobbled up James' parents? That's almost the same image that I get when I envision my future: fast-approaching, frightening, harmful, and ready to swallow me whole. And yet, it is times when something as overwhelming and fast approaching as the future begins to envelope my life that I start to look right next to me and see that those who are standing beside me have been with me in the past, are still with me in the present, and will weather the storm with me in the future. As little and insignificant as I am in comparison to my Future, my friends will still provide me with an umbrella, and the storm eventually will pass. The sun will come out sooner or later, and, like Noah, I will see where God has taken me in His plans.

I guess that was the final revelation in this whirlwind of a night. Throughout this night, I felt like I was plummeting. My stomach seemed to fall out. My heart unhinged itself and was also crashing into a bottomless pit. My entire body, my sanity, my future-- falling, falling, falling into something that I was no longer in control of. But that's when it hit me: that's right, I'm not in control. Yes, I'm making a decision to go to graduate school and teach. Yes, I'm making a decision to apply to this school and to that school. But who is to say where I will get in? Who is to say that a better alternative will not reveal itself? As much as I try to control my future, as much as I grasp and cling onto this thing called life, I realize that I do not have full control, I've never had full control, and I will never have full control. But why do I feel a sense of calm? Why, behind all of this stress, is there a sense of hope? I am your safety net, whispers God in my ear. I have control. I have you.

And that's it. After such a long entry about stress, confusion, friends, stability-- it all comes down to this: God is with me. God is with us. God ~~will take~~ is taking care of us. I am not alone in this, you are not alone in this. Again, am I anymore clear on my future? No. But I am clearer in these two aspects, and in my opinion, these are the best assurances to have: my loved ones are here for me, and God is here for me. To love, and to be loved.

< 4hrs

2009-10-20T04:16:00.000-07:00

As positive as I'm trying to stay this quarter, I'll have to admit, this quarter is simultaneously so emotionally and physically draining. Winter Break, come quickly. I know it's my senior year and all, but at this point, speediness is welcome.

Positive Procrastination

2009-10-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

I once heard a quote that goes, "Life happens while we are busy making other plans." I've learned over the past four years that life also happens while we are busy studying. Tonight, I feel that I lived. In other words, I got no studying done. But I don't regret living :)

Fall.

2009-09-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

Ironically, it is during heartbreak when we feel most alive.

I saw through blurred tears the reason for my love of autumn. This pain, this aching of the heart, this swallowing feeling of pure and absolute sadness brought back past breakings that happened to coincidentally land in Falls. I've been unknowingly rejoicing in the cool air of autumn because they'd chilled my wet cheeks in the past. I've been blindly loving the crisp blue autumn skies smeared with white whisps, forgetting that I'd thrown my drowning eyes at them before, pleading for an answer, begging for healing, asking for God. I've been reveling in solitary walks through orange and brown leave-snowing trees, failing to remember that I had once felt the desolateness of being left alone, that once it was not independence, but the heartbreak of being in dependence on someone who was no longer there.

In sadness, we know we are alive. The knotting in our chests remind us that although we struggle to breathe, we are simultaneously fighting to live. The stinging tears in our eyes show us that within us, there is an emotion so great and powerful that it froths forth the elixir that proves we have hearts so alive to be capable of pain. The break-- break-- breaking of our hearts remind us that although we are fragile, we are also human-- not porcelain, but flesh.

I don't know why each fall has almost consistently involved heartbreak. And yet, this pain within me now is new, is deeper, is harder-- hardest it's ever beat on me, on us. But this revelation that sprung forth today, while crying under dying leaves with two loving companions watching in silence, gave me hope. In my self-loathing, in my confusion, in my whys and whys and whys, I am still alive, I will continue to live (God willing), and I have given even more passion to my love for the fall. We will heal, we will understand, and we will live.

TLO: SPOP 8 Soupuentation

2009-08-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

T-L-O
The Last One.

Truly, Soupuentation was the best way for me to end SPOP. Yes, I do realize that SPOP is a way of life and doesn't truly end, but STAFFING, being in those halls, creating ridiculous hall names and cheers, being with an entire hall of spoppers.. that really does end, and it has finally ended for me.

The conversations that I've had with the spoppers in this particular hall has taught me to be grateful for the life that I live. Much like one of the main purposes for Cross the Line, my mind has been opened in terms of realizing that my life is not as bad as I think it is, and at the same time, I have to realize how amazing others are around me, because they've been through so much more than I can ever imagine. SPOP 8, along with all the other halls, makes me so excited for the future of UCI that I can't even fathom what this school will be like in a matter of a year or two. The goals they have, the knowledge they have, the change that they will bring-- I wish I could stay longer in college just to see UCI transform.

And my staffers. Oh, my amazing, wonderful staffers. I've already told them in person during hall debrief how amazing they are, so I won't go into detail here. But truly, Emma, James Brown, Richie, Kian, and Elaine-- Soupuentation would not have been as amazing without them. The ridiculous hall cheers, the conversations, the games, the laughter.. all them.

To be honest, the morning of SPOP 8, before I left for school, I had a mini freak-out in my head. I seriously contemplated calling in and telling the coords that I couldn't staff, and that another returner who deserved it more than me should replace me. I guess I was just scared that I would ruin it for myself and the rest of the hall. I feared my insecurities, my expectations, my criticisms, and my negativity to get in the way. That's a problem with the "TLO mentality"-- expecting the last one to be the BEST one, and I was afraid that I would fall into that trap.

But something was different that morning when I went to school. I could say that it was because of something that the coords said. Or the buzzing energy from the staffers. Or my staffers in Puente. Or my spoppers. But I'd like to think that it's because.. that morning, I prayed, and God heard me. And after that prayer, everything did fall into place. I finally felt like how I felt while staffing last year as a first-time staffer: everything was exciting, everything was new, and everything made me happy.

I guess the Touch Game was when it really did hit me. At first, I was crying, but I wasn't really sure why. Maybe it was just the initial shock of this being my last time sitting in a circle with fellow staffers, surrounded by spoppers, listening to the music. But it wasn't until the Ben Jelen - Slow Down song came on when it finally hit me all at once. As cheesy at it sounds, it was one of those "my life flashed before my eyes" moments, except.. my SPOP staffing life? Just image after image of halls, games, cheers, Gold, Royal, the student center, talent shows, laughter, tears, hugs, SPOP.. and I knew that it was done. And while it ended, I was holding the staffers' hands, including Kian's, and I felt happy amidst the sadness, because I knew that this program, this amazing, beautiful program, would continue on without me, and it will never cease to change lives.

Although I cried my eyes out at Sprom, it was more because I was sad that SPOP was ending, not necessarily staffing-- as in, I was sad that the seniors were graduating, that all the staffers won't be hanging out together 24/7 anymore, that this is my last year to have the opportunity to meet so many amazing people and become actual friends with them. But SPOP 8 was when I realized that the true meaning of SPOP, the staffing and actual SPOPs were ending, and in a way, I value that more than everything else that comes with SPOP. So thank you, SPOP 8, for all that you have done for me. I look forward to continuing my friendship with you all. See you at Souplantation for our hall reunion :)

And to Royal Year-- well, I think I'm going to save that farewell entry for another time. But just remember, don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened <3

My FIRST TFO from Gold Year

2009-08-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

I started crying during the closing of SPOP 1, because I realized that for the first time in my life, I actually felt like all the good that I had done, all the hard work, all the love and care.. didn't come from me, but from God. To be used by God. That's a prayer that I would usually pray: Please use me, Lord, to help others. But even with the community service during school and doing favors for certain people, I always did them all for other reasons: I'm obligated to do it, I want to make myself better, I'm forced to do this, etc. But looking back on the past two days of basing all of my energy, happiness, and spirit on a single smile from an incoming freshman, sacrificing hangout time with the SPOP staffers just to talk to an awkward freshman, to find out that she's really not awkward at all but is a beautiful person inside and out, to be told that they look up to us so much and actually listen to our advice of how to be a good person.. all of this was not from me. God truly used me. At first I was afraid to accept it in case it was blasphemous since SPOP obviously isn't tied to something like the church or anything religious, but I thought of Jamie and femsex, and realized that this is the same thing. I was put there to smile and talk to kids who were afraid to be themselves all of high school, to cheer and scream with kids who had never raised their voices before, to look them in the eyes and tell them that they are beautiful, and that in college, they are free to be themselves.

My staffers were amazing, as well. I feel so lucky to have worked with them and to have gotten to know them better, but it still bothers me so much when in the end, we're not friends friends. BUT I WANT TO BE! These people are absolutely amazing. So now, I'm even more charged to be outgoing and to give others a chance, to actually go out to lunch with friends and to talk to them first. I'm not going to be best friends with every single SPOP staffer, but I'll be damned if I don't make at least one friend friend!!!

Wow. I wrote that entry last year after staffing my first hall ever: Cuesta La Vista. Phil Lee, Jason Kim, Chielle, Ch-hunny Bunny, Charlotte, and Sarah Khan. It's amazing to look back and realize how much I've grown, and yet, at the same time, realize how much I've forgotten. This is why I honestly cannot choose whether or not I like being a returner or a first-time staffer better; even as a nervous, insecure, inexperienced newb-staffer last year, I discovered and appreciated everything that I encountered. I truly had no expectations. I wish I could say that I had no expectations this year, but honestly, I did. And it created conflicts for me. But thank God for redemption, because I've been blessed enough to staff my REAL TLO later-- SPOP 8. I can only hope and pray that I will not be foolish enough to not see God's role in my life during that event, and that I will truly appreciate everything that comes my way, expectation-free.

What's funny is that that entry was the first entry of my blogger last year. I ended up deleting the blog and creating a new one two months later, but still.. this is how it all started. But this is definitely not the end <3

Diary of an English major

2009-08-11T19:20:00.001-07:00

This certainly has been a summer of growth, but growth in a direction that I did not see coming. An uncomfortable growth, you might say, because the flaws that were exposed and the lessons that were learned were certainly unexpected.

Everything that I write may be very broad and ambiguous, but it's due to the fact that I have not quite collected all of my thoughts, feelings, and revelations of the summer yet. But they are forming into a clear, bigger picture, which is certainly something that will make things easier on my thoughts. I find myself thinking and thinking and thinking all the time about life lessons, my actions, my purpose, my accomplishments, my failures, and what I can learn from others. It's all amazing and life-changing to say the least, but being the English major that I am, I can't merely move from one moment to another and then to another without having that concluding paragraph, that ever-present thesis there to tie everything together.

I have to realize that I can't run my life the way I write papers. Instead of starting out with a thesis in mind, then making an intricate outline/skeleton of the paper, and then writing the actual paper filled with details and evidence that I use to steer the facts in my direction/thesis, LIFE, this summer in particular, is quite the opposite. Truly, I have no control over my life. I can't create my own thesis and outline for the summer and expect everything to fall into place, which is what I actually did do in the beginning. I have to learn to start backwards, to take what has occurred, to put them together, to see the outline once they have formed, and to realize the overall picture, the thesis, the purpose behind it all. For it is not I who can write the perfect thesis for myself, but God.

Once again, this was an abstract blog entry which seems to ironically not come to any conclusion at all. But writing this out has certainly cleared my head and has helped me to reflect on this summer a little better. Whether this be a summer of new friends and old friends, gain and loss, love and heartbreak, cheers and tears-- this was quite the summer, and I can only await what will come next as it nears its conclusion.

SPOP 1: C-L-OOH RIGHT!

2009-07-17T16:10:00.001-07:00

Cool. Legit. OOH RIGHT.

SPOILED is the first word that comes to mind when I think about my hall. I definitely did get spoiled. Who could have asked for a better staff team for the hall? Eric's kindness. Elaine's genuineness. Anella's sincerity. Arthur's realness. Brad's reliability. John's knowledge, energy, love, and overall amazingness. Each staffer's different strengths and traits worked so well together and produced the most amazing group of balanced, multifaceted, COOL&LEGIT group EVER. OOH RIGHT.

Now, onto the spoppers. Wow. I'm at a loss for words at how much they completely blew my mind in terms of how receptive, mature, intelligent, fun, and FUCKING AMAZING they all are. Eric said it right when he said that they were truly the ideal spoppers that we all hope for. Coming into college, they're ALREADY prepared to accept everyone for who they are, to open their minds to others who are different from them, to continue to change themselves into better people, and just to take advantage of college and make it the best times of their lives. They really give me hope for this world and humankind. I'm serious.

I guess it is their amazingness that actually caused a few of my ups and downs as a CP. Although the hall overall had NO downs (in my opinion), internally, I had a few roller coaster rides. I guess since I saw that these incoming freshmen were SO above and beyond amazing, I craved and yearned to hang out with them and to talk to them as much as I could. That's why I found myself feeling disappointed every once in a while, and feeling confused about my place. I would think, well, I wanted to come back to SPOP a second year to help and meet more incoming freshmen, but as a CP, I have barely any time to do it. I kind of found myself going through a mini mid-SPOP-life crisis where I thought to myself, What am I doing here? That doesn't mean that I wasn't having fun or loving my experience up to then; I still did love being a SPOP staffer. I just had those little worries and doubts in my head that confused me internally.

Thank God for Sarah Bana. During the second day of SPOP, she and I had a long talk reflecting on being a CP&returner in SPOP 1. After talking things through, I realized that I just had set expectations a little bit too high for myself. Since I had made so many good friends who were my spoppers last year, I expected to do the same this summer. But I had to take a step back and realize that the spopper-friendships made last year were made throughout the school year. It has to be SPOP that initiates the meeting of us and the brief conversations between me and the incoming freshmen, but the deep conversations and the building of great friendships takes time throughout the school year. After realizing that I was expecting a bit too much, I would look back on the conversations and times that I did spend with my Cielo'ers, and realized that they truly were good times, and that I have no doubt that we will stay in touch and continue to be friends throughout school.

I also realized what it truly means to be a Returner. Since last year, I was told that first-time staffers' main responsibility is the spoppers, and the returners' main responsibility is the first-time staffers. In the last two days, seeing my fellow staffers staff made me feel a sense of pride that I had never, ever felt before in my life. It was like feeling a balloon inflate in .5 seconds within my chest. Sometimes I felt like I was literally punched in the head by a sense of awe, pride, and joy. The immediate transformation from fellow staffers from SPOP-training to fellow staffers in SPOP is too amazing to describe. I wanted to cry, hug, and scream every time I saw a first-time staffer talking to spoppers, walking with spoppers, talking to parents, etc. etc. Seeing the first-time staffers in my hall especially was the biggest blessing in the world. I feel like that's why I cried during the Touch Game: thinking of the spoppers, and thinking of the staffers who are so amazing and beautiful, and are just finally starting to discover and utilize their amazing abilities.

This was a really long entry which I was avoiding to write, because I knew that it would take a lot of energy out of me. But I felt like I had to write this for myself. Not just for memory's sake, but because I'm afraid that I would forget the "magic" (God, I'm using that word now) that is SPOP 1: C-L-OOH RIGHT! It's so easy to forget sometimes the happiest and best parts of life because the dark and sad parts bog it down and cover it up. This is proof that there is good in this world, that people can change, and that THIS is why I am proud to say that I love SPOP, SPOP changes lives, and SPOP continues to change my life.

To my staffers, I am jealous of any hall that gets you in other SPOPs.
To my spoppers, thank YOU for making my heart swell with love, happiness, joy, and pride. Thank you for giving me even greater hope for the world.

AWESOME!
OH WOW!
LIKE TOTALLY FREAK ME OUT
I MEAN RIGHT ON!
Cielo sure is number one.
......
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
C-L-O!
C-L-O!
COOL!
LEGIT!
OOOOOOOOOOH RIGHT!

ROYAL

2009-07-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

Too much is rushing, spinning, whirling, crashing in my mind. It's starting in a day. Oh, my God. It's starting in a day.

We will all be changed in just one day.

Conversations will turn from parties to staffing. Insecurities to strengths. Families to hall families. Trying to change our lives to changing others' lives.

My heart is pounding so hard right now. All I can do is feel grateful. In a time when I feel like the luckiest person in the world, the only thing to do is to bow down and thank God, because I certainly do not deserve this.

Make the most of this. Love every second of it, the good and the bad. Detach all doubts and fears and put your heart out there 100%.

ROYAL YEAR, LET'S FUCKING DO THIS.

And all I can do is try.

2009-06-23T04:31:00.001-07:00

After a whole year, I think it's finally time for me to be refueled with positivity.

Gravity.

2009-06-10T14:23:00.001-07:00

This year is ending. It was hard for me to embrace the reality of le fin for a while. It just felt like it was just another finals week, which would be followed by a week of break, and then another quarter would begin. Another quarter that would belong to my junior year. Another quarter filled with the graduating seniors who are still going to graduate, as opposed to actually graduating this very moment, these next few days.

It seems near impossible for me to explain why this past year has been the best year of not only my college experience, but of my life. It seems like such a dramatic thing to say, but it's the truth! Attempts to describe the specific moments, interactions, conversations, embraces, and tears fail me, fail to paint the picture that I'd like to dedicate to this past year. In an instance like this, words that seem so broad and generic are the only words that can be used, the only feelings that matter, the only emotions that remain:

Love. Peace. Faith. Beauty. Happiness.

God.

The revelation that I had been blessed with this year will forever remain with me: God is love and He loves all not because He is powerful and good, but He is powerful and good because he is love and He loves all.

For those who are graduating, it's hard for me to face and accept. As morbid as it sounds, I can't help but think, "What if this is the last time I will ever see this person again in my entire life?" when it comes to goodbyes. Especially when it comes to those who are moving on, leaving UCI, leaving Irvine, leaving me. Whether or not you realize how much you've impacted my life and have forever left your fingerprint within me, know that you will be truly missed, and that I really do thank God for the blessing of having had you in my life, to have had my life changed by you in your own unique way.

Goodbye, Junior Year '08-'09. It has been the trip of a lifetime. I am truly prepared and ready for my final year. I bid you all adieu.

I love Finals Week

2009-06-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

"My quintessential college moment."

Sarah's text

2009-06-06T23:26:00.001-07:00

God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.

Reggaefest

2009-06-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

D.Phuong: It's really funny!
Me: What?
D.Phuong: You're just.. so over your insecurities!

Ganky

2009-05-26T21:26:00.001-07:00

So many emotions and positivity that came out of Arrowhead/Big Bear. I.. really can't put them into words. It's just this feeling, this passion, this magnitude of energy welling up in my heart. I recommend reading Jamie's blog :)

The top 3 things I've taken away from the trip:

1. Being a Returner is doing more for me than I could have ever imagined.

2. SPOP is NOT perfect, but the staffers are perfect for SPOP.

3. I've forgotten the main reason why I wanted to be a returner: to be there for those who feel like they're not fitting in, and don't believe in what they can do for SPOP and what SPOP can do for them. But I will not stew in my disappointment at myself for not being there for certain people over the weekend. Instead, I will try even harder to be there for them.

Some favorite memories (in no particular order):

+ Staying cool on the floor with CIAFTA
+ Truth or Dare in the hot tub until sunrise
+ 4 boys, 1 shower
+ Beer pong in broad dayligh
+ Late night talks about anything and everything with Yoon, Jamie, and Raffy
+ Hearing Suj say that this all of our TLO
+ CIAFTA huddle on the balcony
+ Finally coming out to my family haha ;)
+ Hookah in the garage

Sigh.. so much happiness <3

2009-05-20T10:52:00.001-07:00

Awakening to a missing
something--
The bea -bea -bea ing
And the thum -thum -thum ing
missed the
Tune
of the
Pace.

Awaiting its Mate in
the joining as
Soul.

In loving memory

2009-05-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

"Everybody knows they are going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently." - Morrie Schwartz

Ralph.. thank you for changing my life.

LA VIE!

2009-04-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today was so beautiful. Thank you for opening up a bit more. Thank you for splashing a bit of your colors onto my palette that is life. Thank you for helping me learn a little more about love-- that is one of the greatest deeds that man can do.

Mm

2009-04-27T23:32:00.001-07:00

Is to write to purge oneself of these passions, to put them into words so that they are no longer foaming, bubbling, suffocating within you? But what a funny thing to do, to purge yourself of passion.

Cultivation

2009-04-27T02:01:00.001-07:00

You are good to my soul.
You are good for my soul.

in what direction we are moving

2009-04-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

I think I'm finally beginning to understand what people mean by the ups and downs of this position. I think it comes from the fact that we've seen, tasted, touched, felt the potential and power of what is hidden in those four little letters-- the "magic," as some would call it. I personally don't like the word, because it makes the products of the program seem like a mirage, something that was able to fool us as fantastical, but retrospectively was only the trick of smoke and mirrors. I think that's what it feels like at times for us. How can something that we're so sure of, something that we could have sworn was bountifully changing and moving through all of us, not be here today? Why do others see this opportunity as something that is an inconvenience to them, or as a backup plan for other more prioritized aspirations? Why are we starting to doubt the past? Why are they not believing in the future? Why am I forgetting? Am I a fool?

These thoughts usually arrive at the same conclusion: have a little bit more faith in yourself and in others, and to have patience. Last year, I was most likely one of the people who discouraged others, because I treated it as an inconvenience, as an annoyance, as a stressful obligation that I had foolishly gotten myself into. But thank goodness for those who didn't give up, who weren't dragged down by my disbelief and skepticism, and helped prove me wrong. I have to believe that people do change, and that I can play a part in the change, but mostly-- they will be changing themselves.

I believe that God put me here for a reason, and He likes to remind me of that every once in a while with the most unexpected conversations and embraces. They remind me of the fact that I am who I am today because of the mysterious "bigger than me" ~~magic~~ reality that I was blessed to have last year, and I will continue to change because of the belief that we will all [eventually] realize why the hell we are here. We will not be able to find ourselves until we lose ourselves in helping others and depending on each other.

Strengths Finder

2009-04-12T22:17:00.001-07:00

1. Positivity
2. Strategic
3. Connectedness
4. Activator
5. Input

I guess these are my strengths :)

Currently,

2009-04-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

SPOP is definitely a big, big, big learning experience. I'm being tested in how little I can judge/stereotype/assume things of people based on first impressions, appearances, affiliations, etc. Believe me, that part is not really fun, because I hate having to face my prejudices and preconceptions that I try to fight everyday. But I'm learning, and I'm definitely growing. I can tell that I'm changing because I automatically get really angry at people who say things like, "I heard that she's blah blah blah," and I feel like 100% shit if I don't stand up for the person that I don't even know.

It's weird how much SPOP has changed and impacted me. In that environment, I feel like I'm truly, truly being myself: 100% happy, confident, loving, loud, joyful, etc. I'm seriously thanking God as often as I can.

I've also realized through SPOP that sometimes I expect ~~too much~~ so much out of people. I don't say "too much" because I don't usually ask of them for something that is above and beyond their capabilities. I can see the potential in them, so I get really frustrated at them when they don't do something that they actually CAN do. I think that's why Sarah used to be really hard on me in the past-- it was because she felt the same frustration toward me. And as hard as her tough love was, she changed my LIFE. I HAD to be pushed, and I HAD to realize my potentials.

I copied and pasted this from my livejournal. I feel more free to write whatever I'd like in that one, just because only 5 other people can read my posts there. I need to have that same feeling of freedom to be 100% open on this blogspot :)

The Doris Book Club

2009-03-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

By far, the best book I've been assigned to read in college.
If any of you are looking for a book to read, READ THIS.
One of the most powerful and moving books I've ever read.
It gave me chills, it gave me tears, it gave me life.

To: You (Yes, YOU)

2009-03-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

What if I told you (yes, YOU) that we were connected by the soft yarn of life?
What if I told you (yes, YOU) that in our shared brevity of beats, I thanked God that I am alive?
What if I told you (yes, YOU) that I love you, without undermining love's beauty, without abiding by the definition of this world?
What if I told you, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, that

you are you, and you were hand-picked to be born you.

Happyness

2009-03-11T00:23:00.001-07:00

I believe in the power of Love
I believe in the power of friendship
I believe in the good we have in our hearts
I believe in this joy--

Joy. Joy that flows through my veins. Joy that trails my steps. Joy that I inhale and exhale. Joy in my eyes, joy in my breath, joy in my life.

I thank you God for this most amazing day,
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees,
and for the blue dream of sky
and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.

Life!

2009-03-10T00:19:00.001-07:00

I don't like it when people over-criticize the world. It puts them on a high-horse, gallivanting around in their judgments and condemnations, which inadvertently creates self-pride. Being cynical and hateful is overrated.

But then again, others can easily be too positive and optimistic. They don't look for meanings and explanations behind certain events that go awry, simply stating that "everything happens for a reason," without actually contemplating and recognizing the reasons behind occurrences.

Balance is key. It's so hard to obtain, and so hard to retain. But it's better to strive for balance than to stew in cynicism or float in ignorance.

Life! We hold it in our hands! Live and love, lest we waste it!

Cough cough

2009-03-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

Being sick is always a humbling experience.

Things that have been making me happier than usual because I'm rediscovering my appreciation for them:

+ My mom
+ Aldrich Park
+ Shadows cast by trees
+ Alone time
+ My house
+ My mom's cooking
+ My mom, my mom, my mom!

30 Hour Famine definitely had more in store for me than just the 30 hours of fasting. [For those of you who don't know what 30 Hour Famine is, we don't eat for 30 hours in order to raise awareness of what other people go through everyday in other parts of the world, as well as raise money to feed those people] After the event was over, I got incredibly sick and basically put my life on hold for the past few days. But as I've been recovering, I can't help but think that if just 30 hours of fasting was able to knock me out like this, what happens to other kids who are basically born unhealthy in 3rd world countries? I've complained that I got sick because I had to sleep in a really cold room at my church, but in the end, I still was in a sleeping bag, I still had on layers of clothing, and I still was indoors. Do other kids in different parts of the world have that? No. And to recover, I've just been chugging bottles and bottles of water, taking medicine and vitamins left and right, and eating as much fruits and veggies possible. Other people don't even have clean water.

Anyway, you get the point. I'm just getting more depressed as I talk about this more. But I'm glad that I'm getting depressed, I guess. Knowledge is power.

Always moving.

2009-02-24T00:18:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the good life

2009-02-22T01:48:00.000-08:00

Let's go on a living spree
They say the best things in life are free

Life is good. It's truly a blessing to be able to say with wholehearted honesty "Good," in response to "How are you?" I guess for reasons such as not being used to being in such a prolonged period of contentedness and of attempting to stay humble, I tend to feel like this won't last long. I'm kind of on-edge at times, thinking that one of these days something horrible will go wrong, that I will lose grip of this happiness, that it's time to wake up from this dream. But I guess after all the people that I've talked to and all the knowledge that people have ~~dropped~~ blessed me with, I've realized that there's no need to be on edge or to keep fearing that these happy times will come to a close. Life itself is a blessing; to laugh as well as to cry, to jump as well as to fall, to love as well as to suffer, are all blessings. So I'll stop being paranoid and asking God with a fearful prayer, "Will this end soon? Will a bomb drop on my head soon?" Because no matter what happens, whether or not the events in life themselves may be deemed good or bad, life itself is good. I am loved, I have love, and I love.

Today I was thinking again about friendship , and how I feel like that is the "theme" of what God is showing and blessing me with this year. I was trying to go deeper and wondering what really is the purpose of this, and a revelation dawned on me (and oh, how I love those dawnings): God is my best friend. I've heard people say that before, but it never truly clicked in my head until now. I love all of my friends, but I honestly don't know if these are lasting friendships or not. I've gotten to a point where I can look past that and enjoy them in the present, but still, there's no guarantee. That's when I realized that no matter what, no matter where I move, no matter how busy I am, no matter how old I am, God will always be my friend, listening to me, caring for me, hurting for me, teaching me, and loving me. I have a lifetime best friend. That's pretty amazing :)

1953-2009

2009-02-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

He was hobbling his way back to his office. The reality of his walk, his immense effort to move, no, to stand on his own two feet. The absence of his position at the podium, high up on his stage, the deafness of his accent, his slurred words. The saddest part was not his gait, but his solitude. In the midst of his class dispersing back out onto the campus, he was alone, walking alone. I did not doubt his friendships and loved ones whom I did not know of; it was his suffering alone that touched me. He might die soon, I said to myself. But no, this panic, this hurt, this pain that is inseparable from caring will not take me. He will die, but he will die much later in the future. He has so much more life in him that it is certainly not his time. I will finish his class, he will disappear into my past, and when he does die in the far future, I will not be there. He will continue to exist as Professor Kroll, the infamous English teacher whom I was so unlucky to have had. He will continue to be Kroll, the professor whom I'd barely attend lecture for because it was too difficult to understand him. But my defenses, my walls, my blinds could not, would not, hide this man, this man. Rest in peace.

My mom is so cute.

2009-02-08T22:40:00.001-08:00

http://jlttn.blog.sohu.com/

She has her own blog. Just click on the bolded links to look at her photography. I can't read Chinese, either.

I'm really proud of her. She picks up hobbies to fight her depression. Everything from painting, quilting, running, knitting, cross-stitching, cooking, traveling, and now photography + writing. I love my mom :)

Thanks, Shane.

2009-02-08T03:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I care about things a lot more than other people do. Like tonight, for example. I'm sure everyone had fun and had a great time, but I don't know if they feel as touched, inspired, and moved as me. I hope they do, because it feels damn good! I just want to thank Sam Lee in particular, because he really made the night for me, and he helped a realization dawn on me: the heart-to-hearts will never, ever end. I know it sounds a bit obvious, because everyone will always have good conversations with one another. But you know how SPOP heart-to-hearts are just.. different? Just something about them that's different that you can't quite pinpoint? Well, we will always have those special heart-to-hearts for the rest of our lives. I don't know, it made me giddy, at least. The rest of the night was just as amazing. I really love people, I really, really do. I'm not going to say that I'm an extremely outgoing person who likes to be outside of her comfortzone, but I will say that I'm learning to push myself and continuing to realize my capabilities and the love that other people have to offer me. Tonight was really fun :)

You'll always be my baby

2009-02-04T00:02:00.000-08:00

I watched the end of the video for the first time since summer ended, and I smiled through brimming tears the entire time. Now that it's done and the panic has been replaced by the calm knowledge that there literally is nothing else to do but wait, I'm able to look back with pure love and admiration without the interrupting and anxiety-inducing yearning. Of course, when you love something so much, you can't help but wish you were back there. But I'm just glad that I'm at a point where I can miss it, but still be just as happy that I'm blessed enough to have something to look back on and miss at all.

For the past 3 years, I've hated heat. It's because one summer, I went to the freaking desert for a 3-day church retreat, and the air conditioning broke the second day. As good as the actual retreat was, afterward, every time I'd start sweating and feel hot, I'd get really angry and annoyed at anything and everything. It gets to me so much that it's kind of like claustrophobia (I'm claustrophobic when I'm in the middle of tightly packed, pushing crowd of people, so I kind of know what I'm talking about), where your brain kind of traps you in these feelings and emotions that you can't get out of, except instead of panic and fear, I get enveloped with just plain anger.

But today, I realized that there was a change. Since this school year, I've never loved the heat so much. I sat outside for half an hour by myself, just feeling the sun's rays seep through my clothes. Finally, the horrible memory of heat has been replaced with my SPOP memory. Summer suddenly means more than just a break from school, and the heat definitely means more than just the annoying baggage that comes along with summer. The heat, the sweat, the sun, the pit stains, the ugly tan lines, the white shorts, the heat, the heat, the heat-- it might not have defined SPOP or that summer for me, but it was there, always there. And although SPOP Gold Year is permanently in the past, the environment is still here with me. The sun, the heat, UTC, Mesa Court, Mesa Commons, Student Center, they're all still here, all making me happy because of the remnants of magic that will forever stay with them.

Chill Pill

2009-02-02T23:31:00.000-08:00

Never before have I wished for the chill pill to be real. Well, maybe it is real, but in an illegal, addictive, dangerous narcotic form. But I don't want that.

Midterms, finals, and papers always seem to shrink all of my extra curricular activities into a small lump of poo compared to the magnitude of my final grades.

C oh esi on

2009-02-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

I feel like everyone went up to Big Bear this past weekend. My biggest regret is not looking at the stars those two nights. What the heck was I thinking? How the hell did I forget???

Figuring out a consistent way to make the baby laugh/smile every single time is like discovering hidden treasure. Being told by the baby's mom that she's captivated by me and nicknaming me as her favorite person is like receiving an oscar. But I still don't know how to hold babies.

I'll always hate American literature. Moby-Dick is screwing me over. Harhar.

I know I've used this quote from Mrs. Dalloway in an earlier entry, but this is just so fitting for what I feel right now:

The world has raised its whip; where will it descend?

This quarter just feels like a very long, suspended moment where the world is holding its breath, waiting for something big to happen. I feel like all of my thoughts, all of my goals, all of my efforts are working for something greater, something monumental that is going to happen in my life. I honestly don't know what it is yet, especially in this present time of waiting and uncertainty, but at least I feel like there is a purpose to all that I am doing right now.

Lastly, I've come to the conclusion that UCI is the smallest school in the world. The end.

Please, don't ever forget.

2009-01-30T00:43:00.001-08:00

I believe in you.

Done.

2009-01-29T18:22:00.000-08:00

No matter what, thank You for the opportunity. :)

+

2009-01-26T23:15:00.000-08:00

Hands bonded, mouth wrapped shut. Do you see my pleading eyes? Do you see my pleading eyes? You're drunk with yearning, do not pull these heartstrings much more, else they break! To be able to cry aloud, if only to heal with words, these words that are pushed, thrown out with such might, but only to escape as wisps. The nightmare of screaming for help, screaming murderer! Murderer! Can't anyone hear me? Can't anyone take her away and save this beloved soul? Say you'll be okay, say you'll be fine, and say that your words will manifest themselves in reality right before my very eyes. Because the clouds are coming, darling, and I'm losing myself, willing to lose myself, for your salvation.

Il fait froid

2009-01-26T11:22:00.000-08:00

Does life really need to be defined by moments? I'm used to judging whether a quarter/period of time in the past was good or bad depending on the number of amazing memories that stick out. True, we need those epic, once-in-a-lifetime, screaming, cheering, laughing, crying moments to dramatically lift up our spirits and mark moments of "My life was changed," but even if we didn't have those moments, would life be easily just as good? I'm thinking about this because every quarter, I think, "Am I happy this quarter? Am I doing enough to make this quarter memorable? What will I think of when I think back on this quarter?" And when thinking of this particular Winter Quarter '09, I became afraid that maybe I'll look back just remember how busy I was, and how I didn't have enough huge, crazy moments. Then I might think that maybe I didn't have that much fun during that quarter. But, I am having fun. For instance, as I was pondering over everything, I had just gotten off of work, I was feeling awake and refreshed (I'm a morning person, thank goodness), I was munching on blueberry poptarts, and I was on my way to get a free soy cinnamon dolce late from Starbucks, and then afterward, my internship. I was happy. Good tastes on my palette, good weather (I love you, Mr. Sun), feeling productive, just having that feeling of "I'm happy with who I am as a college student." Obviously not wild or crazy or "epic," but just as happy. But will I remember this feeling in the future? Probably not. But hopefully I will remember this lesson that I've just learned: life isn't necessarily defined by moments. It's the simple things that don't often get remembered that sustains your happiness and keeps you content and well until the next epic, memorable moment in life.

Oh, and Vibe was honestly three hours of heaven. I love dance. I love dance. I love dance. I don't have to be a dancer to love it, just like I don't need to be a musician to love music. I love CADC, I'm so proud of them!! Daddy, Jungle, Raffy.. :)

SOUL

2009-01-24T02:48:00.001-08:00

This picture made me really happy :)

In my life, be lifted high

2009-01-24T01:27:00.001-08:00

Today was a miraculous day.

I have the choice of seeing today as any other day with a few out-of-the-ordinary conversations, or I can choose to believe that God spoke to me today and made me love in a deeper way that I have ever loved before.

I choose faith.

Thank You for Soup Kitchen, Dan, Albert, Janet, OCCEC, Mama.

PS I watched CADC's preview night. I'll always be a dance crew groupie. I'm so happy for everyone :)

Note

2009-01-23T01:08:00.001-08:00

This quarter will be all about getting past mental barriers.

Weather will not control my emotions.
All of my commitments have a reason to them, so I should feel blessed to be doing all of it.
I am capable of being busy and still feeling just as happy, if not more, everyday.
I will accomplish these commitments fully, without half-assing anything.
I will work hard in all of my classes and for the first time,
I will study ahead of time so that I won't stuff everything into my short-term memory last-minute and forget everything right after my exam, which is so frustrating and full of regret.
I will accept what will happen in the midst of these millions of applications, and I will believe that everything happens for a reason.

Most importantly,
God will get me through these mental barriers and remind me that He is strengthening me through all of this, and only He can tell me the purpose of all of this.

The world has raised its whip; where will it descend?

2009-01-20T23:10:00.000-08:00

Heart pounding. Body shaking. World spinning. The stretching, the twisting, the wringing of the soul, of the heart, of the body. The sinews reaching, reaching, reaching. Each moment that passes is moved by the memories streaming by, flying from ahead to a distant place so behind that you cannot tell where it has gone. Hands weak. Head light. Every song, every sunset, every laugh taunts with the passion of the past and future. I fear this desire within me, but sometimes the heart needs to want. Sometimes the heart needs to desire with all of its fervor to recognize what it really does want, and what it already has.

Prayer

2009-01-18T23:29:00.001-08:00

His name is Brandon. I did not like him at all when I first met him at the homeless shelter. I thought he was mean and a huge brat. One of those trouble-making kids. I remember his mom and his little brother, too. Also a mini brat. During one of our visits, I remember Brandon kept following Sarah around and was being mean to her. They did mean kid things, like punch you because they made you look at something.

But we kept seeing him each week when we went back to visit. And during the Single Service arts and crafts day, he and the rest of the kids seemed really happy to see our familiar faces. They liked the crafts and the darts. The boys lined up for the darts for three hours. I also remember seeing Brandon with Sarah again. He was still being a naughty child, but more in an affectionate way. I could tell he was starting to like Sarah a lot, especially since he was seeing her consistently. I could tell Sarah really liked him, too. She found out that he played the sax in his elementary school, which made her extra happy, since she played the same instrument in band.

Afterward, during one of our trips to Boys and Girls Club of Tustin, Sarah and I had just entered when Brandon and a few kids from the homeless shelter came up to us and surprised us with their presence. We were surprised that they also went to that B&G club, but we were even more surprised that they seemed so excited to see us.

Today was the first time I had gone back to Isaiah House in months. The shelter was remodeled, the people were new, and, unfortunately, the numbers were far greater. At the end of helping out with the pancake breakfast, we were thanking Leah when Sarah asked her about Brandon and his family. Leah said that they're in very bad shape. The single mom had heard that the government might take her children away (for their own benefit), so she took them and escaped Orange County into somewhere in Corona. Luckily the daughter is with an aunt and is doing well. But from what Leah has heard, the mom has her children, Brandon and his brother, begging in front of 7 Elevens and street corners. I wonder what the sister must be feeling. Sarah said she may have lost her family, but she won her life.

Afterward, when we were walking back to my car, Sarah kept saying, "They're begging on street corners in Corona. They're begging on street corners in Corona. Isn't that the most fucked up thing you have ever heard?" I really didn't know what to say. Leah said that they need prayer right now. A lot of prayer. Sarah said, "I want to ask God what this is all about."

Texture

2009-01-18T00:16:00.000-08:00

It really wasn't until this past fall quarter that I've come to love my major. I've never not liked being an English major, but this is the first time I've actually cared for and cherished it with my soul. I really do wish that my future job could be reading books, finding meaning in literature, and writing papers about them. I want to be like those old British people who talk about Shakespeare or Virginia Woolf in those documentaries that we'd watch in class.

Today was a very, very good day. All I did was spend time by myself (with the exception of studying with Ainsley, which went very well). I think I'm going to make it a personal rule to make Saturday a time of rest and alone-time, a Sabbath. I've realized that I truly am an introvert. That doesn't mean that I have to be a loner or be terrified of socializing; I just draw energy from being by myself. I even went tanning by myself-- I truly appreciate being a Socal native on days like today.

Back to English. As much as I think about life, my life, her life, his life, life life, I need others to stimulate and deepen my thoughts. Fiona Apple lyrics never, ever fail to impress me. Listening to them at the pool made me almost giddy at her genius, at her way with words. Then reading Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf-- wow. I'm not going to lie and pretend that I don't struggle with her; stream of consciousness is freaking confusing at times. But AH, the meanings, the symbolism, the feelings, the emotions! I want to be a writer, I wish I could be a writer. What an amazing gift that would be, to stir a reader's soul.

"How can one weigh and shape dialogue till each sentence tears the shingles in the bottom of the reader's soul?" I wish I knew, I wish I knew.

Keep it simple

2009-01-17T11:35:00.001-08:00

Today is a beautiful day. I am happy to be alive.

You

2009-01-12T15:35:00.001-08:00

You
mean too much for me to write about-- You
are my first, my stamp, my all; mine, I love-- You
will thrive, will soar, will live, for-- You
are beautiful, loved by all, I will miss-- You
will always be here, will never leave me, it will always be--
You.

No reason

2009-01-10T01:02:00.000-08:00

I think my fear for this quarter is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I couldn't have started things off with a worse attitude. I'm really just psyching myself out. It's going to be a good quarter, it really is.

I got to see D.Phuong AND Hannah (as short as it was) this week. I miss them. It's funny that as briefly (relevant to other friends) I had been with people like them over the past summer, I miss them as much as I'd miss people who I've been friends with for years. It still gets to me every time-- the realization that I have come to know some of the most beautiful and magnificent people created by God.

My political science class and the UC Regents luncheon lights a fire in my soul. I am in the presence of amazing human beings. These people are changing the world, they literally are. It inspires me, but it also makes me feel so insignificant and weak at the same time.

I really hope that I keep my resolution to go to the arc weekly. I'll be needing those endorphins.

Take 2

2009-01-06T16:23:00.001-08:00

I wrote a very pessimistic entry about this upcoming quarter earlier, but I deleted it. It's a shame how greatly winter weather affects me. It's still dark when I wake up for work, and it gets dark by the time I get out of class. Add in clouds, and that equals a very emo Doris.

But I will hang in there! This will be the first winter quarter that does not involve feeling alone, depressed, fat, and insignificant! There will not be a single breakdown this winter quarter! I will not allow it!

I need to surround myself with more positive people, again. My brain is slowly draining itself of its "Think of the bigger picture" positivity. Replenish me, friends!

New Year Resolutions

2008-12-31T00:22:00.000-08:00

1. Apply to study abroad for Fall Quarter in Tokyo, Japan.
2. Hopefully getting accepted and studying abroad for a quarter in Tokyo.
3. Clean my room and decorate it so that I can actually LIKE my room.
4. Save money for Tokyo.
5. Be MUCH MUCH MUCH more involved in IV.
6. Go to the gym at least once a week. YES, I AM MAKING THIS A RESOLUTION.
7. Get a tattoo :) If all goes according to plan.. within 2 weeks!
8. ****
9. Get more involved in youth group and small groups.
10. Learn a crapload more from my internship and my amazing new mentor.
11. Volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club and Soup Kitchen every week.
12. Go back to Vegas in the summer!
14. Meet more people so that I can be even more open minded.
15. Hang out with Diana Phuong now that she's back from London!!!
16. Mentor more SPOPers and be mentored by more new friends.

POSSIBLE resolutions:

17. Cut my hair. Short.
18. Get another piercing. Somewhere.