I do believe that while on earth, we can catch glimpses of God and the Kingdom of Heaven. That’s how we continue to believe in what we believe: by seeing momentary proofs of Eternal Life.

Last night, I believe I caught a glimpse of the opposite: for a few hours, I was in Hell. To be in Hell on Earth, without any figures of speech.

To be wailing, twisting, moaning, sobbing, crying for hours. To not be able to distinguish nightmares from reality. To see the person you love in front of you, but to be the one who pushes that person away. To lose all hope, to lose all trust, to lose all faith. To feel as if your body had been turned inside out, and then to have it punched, kicked, slapped, pummeled, spit on, laughed at, humiliated, and then to flip it back to its original form—that’s how my insides felt. To look to the future and only see flames, only see darkness, only see hopelessness. To live and breathe paranoia. To have no peace. To have no love. To have lost faith in love itself.

I do not necessarily believe that I was possessed last night. But looking back, I do not believe that was me. I have had my moments of despair and sadness in the past, but I’ve still been able to look back and know that I was still being myself in those trials. But last night, this morning.. I do not know who I was. It scares me, but to know that I got through it, to know that my loved ones did not abandon me, that God did not abandon me, gives me strength and courage.

I’m sorry for hurting you. But I know you do not want me to dwell in my guilt and sorrow. I will grow from this, learn from this, and fight my demons with all my might to never go back to that place again. I love you. I cannot say that I am 100% completely fine right now, but I will continue to try.

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Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. - Josephine Hart