Meh.

Sometimes I just want to sleep for a long time and wake up to everything perfectly fine and the way it's supposed to be. Sigh. Senior Year, you are quite the challenge.

Julia Alvarez

"It's like my whole world is coming undone, but when I write, my pencil is a needle and thread, and I'm stitching the scraps back together."

Neg.

One of those days when all I can think is I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck.

A Word's Worth

Every time I sit down and cram for a paper or an exam, I'm reminded why I love being an English major. And then I start to question why I spend so much time doing everything else in college but not that which gives me the most passion and teaches me the most about how to live: literature, poems, words.

A wise man told me yesterday that the best way to incorporate positivity into my studies and role as a student is to love what you do. Even though I seem to have outdone myself again in terms of the amount of pages I have not even glanced at before going into a midterm, I'm at least salvaging the little that I have studied by loving what I read and incorporating it into my life.

As an English major, I'll never have an emphasis in creative writing or journalism. I guess it's just not my forte to create beautifully written and/or opinionated pieces. I truly do cherish the ability to read others' works and masterpieces. By seeing the beauty that others have within themselves and the different perspectives of other human beings, I know more about myself, and I've come to learn an aspect of living that only English can teach me: how to love my neighbor as myself. Call it unoriginal or laziness, but each person flourishes and cultivates herself differently. I am an inspired person, and how can I be inspired without the works of others?

"This morning gives us promise of a glorious day."

Midterms

A poet is "a [wo]man pleased with his own passions and volitions, and who rejoices more than other men in the spirit of life that is in him; delighting to contemplate similar volitions and passions as manifested in the goings-on of the Universe, and habitually impelled to create them where he does not find them.""

He walked in, the usual quick and strong strides, the confidence and power in his back. Even before reaching the front of the class and turning around, he immediately began to speak of Dante, of God touching the intellect, of Logos. His voice was as strong as I remembered, his New York accent as familiar as before. But as soon as he turned, the sight seized my breath and struck my heart. Professor, what happened? Is there something wrong? Why are you still lecturing? Why is everyone still sitting there, twiddling their thumbs, staring into space? Your left eye, your left side of your mouth, you..

Death is not a very real concept to me. I do not know of anyone who was a significant person in my life to have passed away. The aging of someone, the depletion of strength and youth is also unfamiliar. It is no wonder that in my mind, people will always stay the way they are-- we are invincible. To see him like that, to realize his frailty, to feel his mortality.. was painful and frightening. If I could only stop it, if only I could bring him back to how he was two days ago--

God, we are so helpless.

"Professor--"
"Yes, my dear?"
"I.. I hope you have a good rest of the day."



+++

"For all good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings;"

"Oct-28-09
Dear Diary,
I don't know who I am anymore."

It is ironic that although she was the one who wrote it on the mirror, it was those words that were written over my reflection as I stood there in disbelief. Behind this young girl's words stood another girl who has filled those shoes many times in her life. I cannot erase those words for her myself, but I can add my own words of hope, hoping that these hopeful words will bring to her Hope.

"Oct-29-09
Dear Diary,
I need to go back to God."

There is hope. There is Grace. If you want to be used by God, He will use you for good. I'll be praying for you, little Sister. He will be the light that will guide you to the Truth.




PS
Thank you for being the first one to hear my emotional and random thoughts and revelations about life. Thank you for helping me get closer to God for the first time in a year. Thank you for your hugs, kisses, and fooooood. Thank you; you're the best <3

Woman up.

They say that ignorance is bliss. And boy, is it true. I was happier, calmer, and more at peace just a few weeks ago when I wasn't thinking about my future or researching graduate schools. Now, it seems like the more I know, the more scared I get. Talking to the admissions representative from Columbia at the Graduate School Fair completely distressed and disturbed me. Not because it necessarily scared me off, but because it made me want, desire, crave, yearn for it! With passion and hope comes the potential of a farther fall, a harder impact if Failure does enter the picture. Researching graduate schools lights fires within me, but these fires simultaneously motivate me and frighten me. To have goals and aspirations is a scary thing.

But at the end of the day, I am thankful for them. Going back to how we feel most alive when we are pushed past our comfort zones to a very, very uncomfortable state, I will admit that with each day, with each mini panic attack, I feel more motivated, more alive, and, dare I say, braver. A part of me will always be kid-Doris, refusing to grow up, but there are other parts of me that do need to woman up. Thanks for all the support, friends <3

Alright, Future. I'm scared as hell, but I'm also ready. Let's go.

Big kid.

I'm quite familiar with the alarming feeling of last-minute deadlines, the heavy pressure of responsibility, and the suffocating grip of stress. But tonight was quite different. Three hours ago, I decided that I want to go to graduate school to get a teaching credential in a Masters Program. In other words, three hours ago, I decided to change paths for my future.

No, I don't think you understand the weight of those words, the fear of that decision, the absolute disarming panic of that choice: to change paths for my future.

Really, when did I grow up? When did the world decide that I am old enough to realize what I want to do with my life? When did the world decide that I am ready to even know what I want? I'm still a little kid, aren't I? I still don't know how to cook on my own. This is my first year legitimately moving out of the house (dorming doesn't count; too spoiled). I still sleep with the lights on when I'm scared, or if none of my roommates are home yet. I'm not a grownup. I'm a big kid, but not a grownup.

But with every struggle comes a lesson. With every moment of apparent darkness comes a revelation of a source of light. I wish I could say that my revelation is that yes, I am 100% sure that I want to be a teacher. Again, I wish I could say that-- but I can't. I don't know if I'm going to wake up the next morning and decide that I suddenly want to change courses again. I don't know if I'm going to be happy with my decision for the rest of my life. However, I realized that there are certain things that I do know: although the world may not necessarily label it as "practical" or "valuable" for our future as grad schools, jobs, and money, friends are the ones who keep me going, laughing, living. A best friend talking me through my near-breakdown, another loved companion giving me rare hugs during my near-hyperventilation, and another one whom I hold especially close to my heart telling me that my friends, my family, he, &God will be with me the whole way through, step by step.

You know the movie James and the Giant Peach? Remember that rhinoceros that appears in a mass of black clouds and lightning, the same one that gobbled up James' parents? That's almost the same image that I get when I envision my future: fast-approaching, frightening, harmful, and ready to swallow me whole. And yet, it is times when something as overwhelming and fast approaching as the future begins to envelope my life that I start to look right next to me and see that those who are standing beside me have been with me in the past, are still with me in the present, and will weather the storm with me in the future. As little and insignificant as I am in comparison to my Future, my friends will still provide me with an umbrella, and the storm eventually will pass. The sun will come out sooner or later, and, like Noah, I will see where God has taken me in His plans.

I guess that was the final revelation in this whirlwind of a night. Throughout this night, I felt like I was plummeting. My stomach seemed to fall out. My heart unhinged itself and was also crashing into a bottomless pit. My entire body, my sanity, my future-- falling, falling, falling into something that I was no longer in control of. But that's when it hit me: that's right, I'm not in control. Yes, I'm making a decision to go to graduate school and teach. Yes, I'm making a decision to apply to this school and to that school. But who is to say where I will get in? Who is to say that a better alternative will not reveal itself? As much as I try to control my future, as much as I grasp and cling onto this thing called life, I realize that I do not have full control, I've never had full control, and I will never have full control. But why do I feel a sense of calm? Why, behind all of this stress, is there a sense of hope? I am your safety net, whispers God in my ear. I have control. I have you.

And that's it. After such a long entry about stress, confusion, friends, stability-- it all comes down to this: God is with me. God is with us. God will take is taking care of us. I am not alone in this, you are not alone in this. Again, am I anymore clear on my future? No. But I am clearer in these two aspects, and in my opinion, these are the best assurances to have: my loved ones are here for me, and God is here for me. To love, and to be loved.